This next post is very personal to my heart. I never thought of sharing this with my readers, but I have found my most personal posts have been the most touching to others, and if it affects you in a positive way, and may bring you some comfort, then I’m willing to share.
After my son was born I felt on top of the world, I have never experienced such a high like this. I was over the moon with love for my new baby, nothing could bring me down, or that is what I thought.
Very shortly after Owen was born my Doctor called me after my follow up appointment and told me she found low grade cells on my pap and that it should not be anything to worry about, that commonly the first pap will come back with low grade because when your body goes through the process of giving birth, it really is a “trauma” as she put it, for your body. I started crying of course, having this new baby and hormonal as ever, I immediately thought the worse.
Months went by, more tests, and my pap had gone from low- to medium grade. Terrified, again, all I could do was hope that they would clear up. Over the span of a year, low grade turned to highgrade and every time I wouldn’t hear the words I wanted to hear from the doctor ( your pap came back clear) There was even one time where I went in to an appointment and what I heard the doctor say was “your clear!” I guess this was what my mind wanted to hear, not what was actually said. The following appointment sitting there smiling I heard the doctor say “still high grade, we will have to do a cone biopsy.” “But no! I thought this had cleared up!” then I quickly realized the hard truth.
My thoughts would wonder and I thought of what would happen if it became cervical cancer… God wouldn’t do this to me. He just gave me this perfect little baby, Owen needs me, he needs me, he needs me… I need him. With that, all I could do was wait.
The next step was to have a cone biopsy, and this was the next step that I swear, was worst thing that I have ever experienced. When I woke up from surgery all I could feel was a sharp pain, the pain was so extreme that I was convulsing. I remember my Mom looking at me and asking the nurses to do something, because even she had never seen me in such pain. I started to hemorrhage, and I don’t remember what followed. The nurses gave me pain medication and a shot of morphine, when it was safe for me to go home I remember the car ride was unbearable. My Mom stopped in to pick up the prescriptions and I almost “lost my lunch” as they say. I was so dizzy.
The following days were awful, and it was quite the recovery. But as we do, we recover.
The following 2 paps that I had following the surgery, came back low grade. You can imagine my disappointed and sadness that after all of this, I still had low grade.
About 6 months after that, the pap finally came back CLEAR! The relief was enormous, and I remember going out with my family and friends to celebrate. I wasn’t completely out of the woods, but I was on my way. The very last pap that I had was to make sure that everything was again, clear, and it was. Once the doctor finished examining me, he looked at me and asked “Your cervix looks beautiful! So, when are you having your next baby?!” Head in my hands I cried the happiest tears. I told him that those were the greatest words I could have ever heard. It had been my fear of not being able to carry a child again, and I almost braved myself for hearing those words. My only saving grace would have been that I have Owen.
If you have or are going through the same thing, “there is light at the end of the tunnel” as they say. Keep your head high, take good care of yourself, and if you need someone to talk to, as always, I’m here.
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